The last couple of months have been rough for me.

Ever since last fall, after my first COVID infection, something has been very off with my immune system. I’m catching every virus I’m exposed to and taking at least a week or two to recover each time. I was sick about six times between September and January, with several bad colds, the flu, and a second round of COVID combined with strep.

I got a short break from late January-March when I decided to isolate myself at home and only see a very select few people in the timeframe to try and wait out the cold and flu season. It worked, temporarily.

Not long after I started attending church and seeing friends again in April, I got sick yet again. This time, with another version of the flu. Since then, I have been sick three times in six weeks, almost nonstop.

Now, though, it’s worse than in the fall. Not only am I getting sick that frequently and severely, the constant infections have caused a POTS relapse.

No one knows what’s wrong with my immune system yet. My vitamin and mineral levels are optimal. When I tested, only vitamin A was on the lower end of normal, but I have since then added a rich source to my diet. I eat well, so I know it’s not my diet. As part of my Lyme maintenance treatment, I already take a handful of potent herbal immune adaptogens. So it’s not lack of immune support.

I finally talked with my functional medicine primary care doctor about it a few weeks ago. We did find out I have an HHV6 infection that could be reactivating and contributing to the problem. She’s running some labs on my immune system markers to see if we can detect anything not working as it should.

In the meantime, I’ve had to make the call to isolate myself from church and group gatherings yet again. This time indefinitely, until I have a solution for my immune system problem.

My symptoms have been difficult to cope with. Not only am I fighting a new virus almost every other week, but I have also lost so much progress with POTS.

The tachycardia, heat intolerance, chills, exhaustion, sleep disturbance, adrenaline surges, lightheadedness, nausea, and chronic pain are all back with intensity. I haven’t been able to exercise in over a month and my body is deconditioning faster than I would like.

Because I could not keep up with college and work at the same time dealing with this POTS relapse and sickness, I have had to drop two college classes in a row.

I won’t lie, I have felt hopeless, disillusioned, lonely, confused, desperate, burdensome, like a failure, and scared. Not every day, but often.

It’s scary to face the future and wonder what will happen. Will I improve or will I get worse? Will my employer be understanding, will I ever be able to complete my college degree, will I ever have any sort of stability in my life?

A few weeks ago, when I was sharing this with a close friend, she told me something that stuck with me, and I want to share it with you.

She told me, “It’s okay to be scared when your chronic illness flares up.”

I had convinced myself that every time I have a flare up or health problem come up, it should be easier to deal with than the last time because I “know what to do”. Unfortunately, it hasn’t been. Each new experience feels just as hard to get through as the one before it.

My close friend’s words helped. It’s natural to feel all these emotions when your body is failing you – especially when so many other people can rely on theirs.

So, friends. You are not a failure if your chronic illness scares you.

Even if you have formal education in a health field, even if you’ve made lots of progress in between the setbacks, even if you have learned more than anyone else you know about health, even if you’ve had years of experience dealing with your chronic illness, even if you’re a Christian and you’ve prayed for hope and healing many times and you’re still sick.

You aren’t a failure if your chronic illness scares you. Your emotions are valid, and your low points don’t mean your progress is invalid, meaningless, or pretend.